Jobseeker Columnist (July 2009)

Don’t smile if you don’t want to.

Yes, that’s right! You don’t have to smile and you don’t have to talk to anybody if you don’t want to. But wait a minute, isn’t this bad advice? Don’t most self help books ask us to put on a smile, to use techniques to be nice, to be sociable and to be accommodating? Well yes, once in a while, if you really want to then go ahead. There is nothing wrong with being nice, smiling more or making people feel better. Question is how long can you keep this up?

How long can we continue smiling when all our insides want to do is to scream? How long can we be nice when all we want to do is to rip the hair out of the person you are talking to? How long can we put on this façade, this fake mask? We will be found out one day. To most of us it takes a lot of energy to put on a mask, to some of us it takes no effort whatsoever; we have had our masks on for so long that it has welded straight to our face. Our mask has become us; it has come to define us as a person. When people ask of who we are, they will define us by the masks we have put on for so long.

This is in turn reflected in our communications to the outside world. We smile when we are sad and we say things we don’t mean when we don’t feel like talking. There are so many quick fix methods around. Some say fake it till you make it. Some say use affirmations. Some say become interested in the other person. These methods work very well, but only in short term contact with a person. If you are in a long term relationship or a long standing work arrangement, these techniques can become very dangerous. One day our mask will fall off when we least expect it.

I have had the experience of falling off the good graces of my bosses, I have made enemies with my colleagues and I have made many long standing relationships go sour because although I practiced many of the human relations and communications methods, there was one thing missing. It is authenticity and genuineness. I was using the brain and missing the heart. But then you might ask, how do we communicate effectively with our bosses and colleagues when we think that they are idiots? When we think that there’s a special place for them in hell? When we wish they would just disappear? The answer is, we cannot.

I believe there is one long term, effective strategy we can actually use to effectively communicate with others. It is to like them, to love them whole-heartedly. Yes, I said it, love your enemy, judge them not, to accept them for their strengths and weaknesses because we are all human. Here’s something else you may or may not find makes sense, “The outer world is a reflection of our inner world”. Whether the world is beautiful and happy or dark and depressing is a reflection of our inner being. When we harshly judge people it is because we see in them a part of ourselves that we do not like. As an example, I used to detest a colleague of mind who was lazy. Then with deeper introspection, I realized that I was angry at her because I see in her a part of myself that I detest.

Remember this: -

WE ALL DO THE BEST WE CAN WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAVE

So learn to love ourselves for our strengths and most importantly our weaknesses. We shall then in turn love others for their strengths and weaknesses. Take effort to understand people, to delve into their needs and feelings, to assist them in fulfilling their needs. With these efforts you will automatically have: -
a.         A good relationship
b.         A great time communicating with one another.

Want to learn more? Check out these titles: -

•           Art of Talking to Anyone – Maggio Rosalie
•           Crucial Conversations – Patterson Kerry
•           Zero Limits – Joe Vitale

Written by Edmond Yap